How could I? When the kids
wanted dinner and the laundry
needed folding and the couch
begged for Netflix and the body
cried for rest.

And the days I had the thoughts
I didn’t have the time
and the times I did I tried
but then the words
wouldn’t come.

I want

to take you
to the edge
of the world

clasp

your hand
in mine and
watch

whatever it is you’re watching.

---

Backstory

There’s a particular kind of inner tension that can be quite painful. When you have such a strong urge to be creative buzzing inside of you, when you have all the ideas but none of the time, energy, or other resources needed to make it happen.

Yes, raising a family is probably one of the most creative acts you could do in this world and I’m so grateful I get to do it. But I can’t deny there are other parts of me that long for expression and at this stage of my life they often lie dormant.

Sometimes this leads to a lot of guilt… I ask myself why haven’t I worked things out better and found a way to be more productive the way others do. When I know that deep down inside there’s so much I want to share and create. So many thoughts and ideas that will never see the light of day.

And I can’t blame it all on motherhood. Even if I took a long vacation with no distractions, I’m pretty sure I’d still spend a lot of time not bringing my ideas to fruition… I just naturally have a much easier time with the beginning of things and following through and completing projects is not my strong point.

Learning about energy types through the Human Design System has really helped me come to accept this aspect of myself and work around it. As a Manifesting Generator, it’s basically a given that I won’t complete everything I start, and the journey to whatever I do complete won’t be linear. I’ll start and stop, skip steps, but eventually get to the finish line for the things I really care about.

If the first half of this poem is about describing that tension of wanting to be creative but not being able to for whatever reason, perhaps the last half is more about surrendering to the moment, even if it’s a moment where I’m not being productive.

Maybe I don’t have to prove myself to the world all the time. Maybe it’s enough to be still sometimes, and take the world in instead of trying to leave my imprint on it.

So much of my desire to create is to forge connections with people. To share what’s deep inside me and have that resonate with others.

But that’s not the only way.

You can connect with someone without doing much at all. Just by quietly being who you are and allowing them to do the same. No need to impress them with who you are and make them see what you see. Instead, you just simply sit still and share the space.

Silently watching the world together.